


Love is in the Air (but all I smell is pizza)

by findmethestars (Atunenamedclara)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Aromantic Emma, Asexual Emma, F/F, Fluff, aroace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-10-11 01:04:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10451547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atunenamedclara/pseuds/findmethestars
Summary: Emma Swan has spent her whole life running. But now the only person left to run from is herself. When accusations of being emotionally damaged are thrown at her by the people closest to her, she's forced to find a new way to understand the things she's been hiding from.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to dedicate this fic quickly to all the people over on twitter who've been so positive about asexual aromantic representation over the past few months when others weren't so kind, this is for you (if you want it) <3
> 
> I was going to write a longer chapter for the first upload but life keeps getting in the way so this will do for now, but more to follow soon.
> 
> This fic isn't traditional Swanqueen like you'd expect. It is Swanqueen and there will be love, just in a different way.
> 
> Viva la Swanqueen, in any way you want! 
> 
> (Very tentative 5 chapters for now, might move up or down)

Silence. Complete, utter silence. Nothing but the sound of a clock ticking its soft ascent to 3am gave indication that the darkened room had any signs of life at all.  
But there, curled up in the corner, knees pulled in close to her body as unseeing eyes stared out the window, was a tear stained Emma Swan.

Words echoed round her brain over and over, the memory of which only served to bring more pain, pain that she didn't know she was capable of feeling. Pain which, if _he_ was right, she really wasn't capable of feeling.

He had called her cold. He had sneered at her as he tossed the barbs at her heart, one after another after another. Cold, callous, unfeeling, unlovable.  
The last on his list had sent her into a blind spiral of hurt as she desperately tried to keep her head above water, desperately tried to stop herself sinking into a pit of self loathing and despair, as she choked out for him to leave and not bother coming back.

He listened to her this time.

The memory of the door slamming shut echoed in her head, as a fresh wave of tears threatened to overflow and sobs pounded heavily at her chest.

Air. She needed air.

She ran out into the night, gulping frantically as the cold air around her hit her face, freezing up tears which had been hot and furious mere seconds ago.

She sunk down onto the step, ignoring the chill seeping slowly into her. She wasn't dressed for this. She hadn't been ready. But then, how could she have been?

She opened her mouth, gasping as her thin frame shook with the sound of large, ugly sobs escaping her even as she tried desperately to contain them to a place where nobody could see them.

Hands clawed desperately at the metal railing as she tried to find something to cling onto, something to ground her to a world she felt herself fast slipping away from as the panic threatened to overtake her.

But reality was fading, her grasp on it tenuous to begin with, according to some.

They said she never felt enough, never let herself feel enough. They said she was closed off and distant, unable to love well enough and strong enough.  
Maybe this time a thin metal railing wasn't enough to keep her gripping onto reality after all.

“Emma?” A voice came out of the darkness somewhere above her, surprise echoing in the tone “what happened?!”

Emma didn't respond, she couldn't. What could she say, what was there to say?!  
_“Hi Regina, yes I know I'm sitting on my doorstep at 3am looking like a demon from the pits of hell, but that's because my boyfriend just broke up with me after calling me a callous, unfeeling bitch. How was your day?!”_  
Yeah, somehow she wasn't sure that would sit all that well with the brunette woman standing next to her.

Instead, she curled up closer into herself, burying her head in her knees. Breath. She needed to keep breathing.

_In. Out. In. Out._

Somewhere in the dim recesses of her mind she realised that Regina had sat down next to her and was rubbing her back softly as she struggled desperately to take in air that seemed to be slipping further and further out of her clutches all the time.

She didn't know how long they sat there for. Five minutes. Twenty. An hour. Time didn't exist in this awful, dark street corner as she struggled to breathe between choking sobs.  
But eventually, when her lungs finally seemed to be working again, and her legs didn't feel numb beneath her, she looked up to meet Regina’s worried gaze.

Emma searched her eyes desperately, looking for answers to questions she didn't know how to ask. Why was Regina there? What did she know? Did Regina agree with what he had said?

Regina held eye contact with her, not speaking and not demanding Emma to speak. She simply stood up and held out a hand, gently, always so gently. They walked into Emma’s house together in silence, finally calm.

She didn't speak, didn't ask for explanations, didn't even offer one of her own as to why she was passing Emma’s house at 3am. Instead, she walked through to Emma’s kitchen and began to move around, boiling the kettle to make tea.

Emma sat stiffly on the couch, hands grasped together tightly, knuckles turning white and jagged fingernails clawing into tender skin. Her eyes were red rimmed, mouth a thin line. Her walls were up, more impenetrable than ever and yet she had never looked so vulnerable.

“Right” Regina finally spoke as she set down mismatched mugs before taking a seat next to Emma “what happened Emma?”

Her voice was soft but her expression was hard and it cut through the numbing pain Emma was sure must be visibly weighing down on her. She looked up, lost green eyes meeting confused but firm brown ones.

It was ok. Regina was here and he wasn't. Regina would understand. Wouldn't she? Emma struggled to find the words. They slipped away from her one by one, choking her as their hard jagged edges caught in her throat and stumbled on her tongue.  
“It's ok, Emma” Regina whispered “take your time, I'm here”  
“Why?” She replied, her mouth dry and throat aching.  
“Why what?”  
“Why are you here?”

Regina shifted in her seat, moving in closer to Emma, but she didn't answer.  
“Please Regina, answer me. How did you know I…” Emma left the sentence dangle, the admittance that she had needed someone was too raw to speak out loud.

“I don't know” she finally answered, honesty reflected in her eyes “I just...knew.”  
Emma shifted imperceptibly away from Regina, widening the gap between them.  
“You mean like, instinct?” She asked carefully, maybe even hopefully.  
“Maybe” Regina shrugged “or maybe something more”

  
Emma's eyes widened, panic flashing through the storm “Don't, Regina. Don’t say that”  
“Why not? Emma I-“  
“Just don't!” She snapped, anger replacing vulnerability in a heartbeat, barbed wire topped walls growing by the second “God, Regina! You're all the same aren't you! Everyone always wants something from me! Something I can never give them!”  
“Emma, calm down!” Regina's eyes widened in shock at the outburst. Whatever she had been expecting, it hadn't been that “I didn't mean it in that way, I-“  
“So then what, Regina?! How did you mean it?! Because it sounded a lot like you wanted something from me there!”  
“Emma!”

  
But the blonde kept talking over her, words falling out her mouth faster than her brain could keep up, months of hurt finally unfurling in a long, bitter string of anger.  
“Hook wanted something, and then when I couldn't give it to him he left! He left me after telling me that I could never be enough, that I'm faulty and disgusting and _broken_! All because I couldn't give him what he wanted. Are you going to do that too?! Because let's just save us both the pain, Regina. I can't give you what you want. So you might as well just leave now.”

Emma turned away, anger giving out to pain once more. Her shoulders shook with silent tears as the burden of the words she was saying crashed down on her.  
Regina stared at her, abject horror written across her face. Not at what Emma had said. Not even at the way Emma had lashed out at her. But at the pain and the reason behind those words. Something had been wrong for a very, very long time, and she was damned if she wasn't going to be the one to help make things right again.

\---------- ---------- ----------

Silence. Complete, utter silence. Nothing but the sound of a clock ticking its soft ascent to 4am gave indication that the darkened room had any signs of life at all.  
But there, curled up on he couch was Emma Swan, her tangled blonde hair spilling across Regina’s shoulder as she fell into an uneasy sleep, dark dreams slipping in and out at the edges of her subconscious.

Regina sat silently, running her hand softly down Emma's back almost absentmindedly as she tried to piece together what had happened tonight.  
Emma had been fighting with Hook, that much was clear. Not that Regina minded if he was gone for good. Emma deserved better. She always did.  
But after that, Regina was lost. When she had tried to reach out and comfort Emma and tell her she was there for her, the blonde had just snapped in a way she had never seen her do before.

  
Emma had a quick temper, everybody knew that. She lashed out and she ran and then eventually, she felt bad about it. But what had happened earlier, the way Emma had reacted, that had been new.  
It wasn't anger, Regina realised. It was hurt and despair. It was like Emma had given up on ever getting what she really wanted. What she really needed.

\---------- ---------- ----------

Emma stirred uneasily, jerking Regina out of her light sleep. She whimpered and curled into herself, trying to shake the nightmare away.  
“Emma” Regina whispered “Emma, are you ok?”  
“Mmmmph” came the answer as she buried her head further into Regina's shoulder.  
She smiled despite herself as Emma eventually groaned and lifted her head to meet her, still half asleep.

  
“Hi” green eyes opened slowly, blinking in the dim light of the room.  
“Hey” Regina replied carefully “how are you feeling?”  
“Better. What time is it?”  
“Just past 5am, do you have work today? Call in sick”  
Concern was etched into Regina's face as she took in the blonde’s appearance. Emma was haggard, dark circles under her still swollen eyes paying testament to the previous night. Her clothes were wrinkled and stained with rust in places where they had rubbed against the metal railing.

  
But Emma sat up quickly, pushing her hair out of her eyes “I need to go, I said I would take the early shift and-“  
“Emma stop. Take the day off. I'm ordering you to, as your mayor.”  
Regina looked her square in the eye, searching for a sign that Emma wasn't as ok as she was pretending to be. She found it in the reluctancy to look up from chapped hands to meet her gaze.  
“Fine” she muttered eventually.  
Regina nodded, satisfied. “Good. Now go shower and change, and I'll make coffee”

Emma nodded quickly and turned to go up the stairs, eager to wash the memory of the long and painful night off of her. As she turned to go she glanced at Regina quickly. The brunette was smiling gently at her, no expectations weighing down on her, no judgment reflected in her eyes.  
Maybe it would be easy after all. Maybe Regina would understand what she needed to tell her after all.

But somehow she very much doubted it.


	2. Chapter 2

Emma stepped out the shower, watching as the soapy water drained away slowly, leaving only small puddles and fogged up glass behind. Catching her own eye in the misty reflection, she stopped, examining herself properly for what felt like the first time in weeks.

It was as if she had been living in a dream. A dream where everything seemed right, perfect, even, but once you found one tiny crack the entire façade crumbled away until all that was left was dust and chaos. If the events last night had been the final destruction of a crumbling façade, then this face staring back at her was what her perfect illusion had been hiding.

She was pale, paler than she had ever remembered being, and her face seemed gaunt and hollowed out, like the weeks spent trying to be someone she wasn't for a man had drained all the energy she'd ever had. Her hair hung long and damp down her back, the natural colour darkened by water, but she knew that even dry it would appear to be limp and lifeless.

Suddenly she felt sick. She turned away from the mirror fast, almost skidding on the water droplets she left behind. Her stomach churned in her rush to get away from her own reflection, from looking at who she had become. All because she had been too scared to face up to the truth about herself.

“Emma?” Regina's voice echoed softly from the other side of the wooden door “are you ok in there?”  
“Yeah, um, I'll, I'll just be a minute” she replied shakily as she tried to breathe calmly. Slipping on a pair of shorts and a sweatshirt, she opened the door to find Regina pacing the pale wood floor nervously.  
“I'm sorry” she started as she noticed Emma looking at her curiously “I didn't mean to make you think I'm snooping, I just…got worried about you”  
Emma smiled slightly “it’s fine Regina, don't worry. But I'm not that fragile that I'll slip down the drain with the water” she tried for amusing, witty. But the wince flashing across Regina's face told her that in her current state, that didn't seem too far fetched a possibility.

“Where's um…where's Henry?” She asked, the question only just occurring to her.  
“He spent the night at your parents”  
“Oh”

She shuffled her feet awkwardly, unsure of what to say next. Regina cleared her throat. Emma took a step forward, then a step back, a one person tango of insecurity.

“Should we, um…go downstairs?” She said at last.  
Regina started “oh! Um…yes. I um, I made coffee, yes, coffee, I need that”  
Emma nodded quickly in agreement before turning to go, Regina following close behind her.

Once seated in the large, underused kitchen with mugs of coffee in front of them, Emma found that she was able to relax slightly. This was fine, everything was fine. She was just having coffee with Regina, like they always did. Except this time Regina had been there to watch as Emma cried herself into a stupor, and now it was 9am and neither of them knew what to say next. And Emma had yet to tell her the reason for her behaviour over the last few weeks. But apart from that, everything else was fine.

She took a gulp of her coffee, burnt her tongue and winced.

Ok so maybe slightly less than fine.

“So” Regina started.  
“So?” Emma questioned, tracing patterns in the coffee drops on the table, refusing to meet Regina's gaze.  
“Emma…” she sighed “you don't have to talk. If you want, I can leave right now, and you can work through this on your own. But I know you Emma and I can see you _want_ to talk. You _want_ help. So please, just try?”

Emma nodded slowly as she gathered up the courage to talk, the courage to say that words that had been trapped inside of her for so long, and most of all, the courage to let Regina know that she noticed the way she looked at her, and that she would never be able to give her what she wanted.

She braced herself for the fallout of what she was about to say. She prepared her goodbyes, readied herself for the sound of a door slamming as one more person walked out her life, finding her lacking, wanting, flawed.

“I…” she began, and then paused, as the words flooded her mouth, pushing forward as the barrier between herself and the world finally began to crumble “have you ever looked in the mirror and hated yourself? Hated things that you couldn't ever change? And then had someone parade those flaws around for you, one after another after another until you think _fuck!! Enough of this!!!_ And just lock away all those flaws and try and make yourself into someone you're not?”

Regina nodded mutely, not wanting to interrupt and throw Emma off when she was finally beginning to talk.

“I'm broken, Regina!” She continued desperately “everyone's been telling me that my whole life!! Everyone tells me that I'm cold and closed off and damaged and… I'm not, Regina! I'm not any of that! But I realised, a long time ago, that if I pretend to be the person everyone wants…then maybe I…maybe I'll finally get my own chance to be happy.”

Emma's voice cracked, but she carried on, wiping a hand furiously across her eyes.

“I tried…I swear, I tried for so long. I smiled when he gave me compliments and I laughed when he flirted and I did it all back to him. I pretended everything, it was all pretend, I just thought if I tried hard enough…it would become real. Maybe that's how everyone feels at first, maybe I was just, I don't know, _slower_. But I can't do it! I can't be that person! I cringed when he tried to kiss me and I always had a different excuse for why I couldn't sleep with him, why I was too busy for _those_ kind of dates and had too much work to mess around on his ship and…everything was just a lie or an excuse and I just became someone I can't EVER be.

I'm not that person. I'm not someone who sees sweet couples in the street holding hands and thinks _yes! I want that!_ I'm not someone who sees an attractive man, or woman, and thinks about sex, or about sleeping with them, it doesn't even cross my mind! But everyone else…everyone tells me that that’s the right way to be. That there's no other way. That if I don't think like that, if I don't think like _them_ …there must be something wrong. But…is there?”

Emma's voice trailed away, heartbreakingly quiet as she buried her head in her hands, emotionally spent after spilling out the innermost thoughts that kept her awake at night, too scared to probe them further but aware enough to know that they were there.

But Regina? Regina simply stared at her, pity and disgust mixing in her deep eyes, pity for Emma and the things she had to listen to, and disgust for the people who had told her she was broken, simply because she was different.

“Emma I-“  
“I'm not done”

Regina gestured for her to carry on.

“I…I'm not stupid Regina. I notice things, I notice the way people look at me, the way you look at me. Like…like I'm something you can't work out, a puzzle that needs solving. And sometimes you look at me with this, this _look_ of…need? Want? And I…I can't give you that Regina. I'm not that person. So if that's what you want from me, I'm sorry.”

Emma looked down at her lap, blonde hair falling over her eyes, obscuring whatever emotions were running through them as she carefully avoided looking to see Regina's reaction.

The reaction she was avoiding however, was one of dumbfounded shock. Thoughts were colliding in Regina’s head faster than she could keep up with them, a tidal wave of conflicting emotions pouring over her faster than she thought possible.  
Emma had noticed the way she looked at her, something Regina hadn't even finished figuring out yet. But Emma…Emma didn't want that. What did she want? She wanted a friend, someone to confide in, someone to understand her. But she wasn't really sure she understood. Emma was what? Emma was gay? No, she had said she didn't want a relationship with a man or a woman. So she was celibate? But wasn't that a choice? Regina wasn't sure, she suddenly wasn't sure of anything at all. She wanted to understand though, she wanted to be there for Emma as best she could, but how could she ask that of her, how could she say _sorry, can you run through that again with bullet points this time?_ to the woman who had just bared her soul to her. No. That would make her feel like Regina hadn't even been listening. She couldn't do that to Emma. And then there was that whole other issue of Emma knowing that Regina felt…the way she did about her. This was all too much, this was…this was way over too much.

Regina stood up, her chair clattering backwards across the hardwood.  
“I need to….I need…” she stammered out, mind spinning in 86 different directions.  
Emma nodded “I know. I know I threw a lot at you. Go. Go home to Henry, make lunch, fetch him from school, eat dinner with him. I'll still be here later when you're ready to talk.” she smiled reassuringly, a thin façade once more in place over a crumbling, exhausted woman.

Regina left without another word.

\---------- ---------- ----------

It was dark outside by the time she found the courage to knock on Emma's door again. Henry followed, an overnight bag clutched in his hand and strict instructions not to interrupt herself and Emma in the middle of a private conversation.

She knocked twice and a beat passed before muffled cursing came from within the house as the haphazard blonde tripped over some box or other that she had liberally decorating her hallway.

A flushed face with a familiar sparkle in the green eyes greeted Regina as Emma opened the door.

"Well you look better" Regina commented as she stepped into the house  
"Mmm, I slept for like, seven hours" Emma grinned, looking more herself than she had in weeks, although there was still a flicker of something buried underneath the familiar lopsided grin.  
"Henry, if you want to go upstairs, the Xbox is set up in your room"  
"Cool!" He was off, already halfway up the stairs to his room.

Once Henry was out of sight Emma's smile faded slightly, making Regina wonder exactly how flawless and perfected her mask was. The nervous, lost look was back in her eyes as she gestured for Regina to follow her through to the living room. Once they were seated comfortably across from each other, Regina cleared her throat.

“I'm…I’m sorry for leaving so suddenly this morning, Emma. It wasn't right of me”  
Emma shrugged “yeah, but you came back. That's more than most people do. So, um…”  
She trailed off, biting her lower lip absentmindedly as she tried to puzzle together Regina's face.  
The brunette didn't seem angry, or even hurt. She seemed calm, collected and all together as much her usual self as she could look after a day like she had just had.

“So after I left this morning I um, did some research” Regina began nervously, twisting her hands together in her lap. She didn't want Emma to feel like she was being treated like a scientific puzzle or a stubborn equation but she did want her to know that she had cared enough to take time to look into things. It was a fine line, and not one she intended to cross.

“You did?” Emma looked faintly amused.  
“Yes…I, I just wanted to understand. So anyway” she hurried on “I found some sites”  
“Sites? What kind of sites?”  
“LGBT ones, I did some digging but it took a while, the Internet here is still as patchy as it was during the curse.”  
Emma's eyes flared, a brief spark of anger flashing before she could bury it down by reminding herself that Regina meant well, even if she didn't always understand. “LGBT sites?! I'm not _gay_ Regina, I don’t care about men _or_ women!”  
“No, I know that Emma. Can you just let me finish please?”  
“Sorry” she muttered sullenly.  
“Thank you. Anyway, the site said something about people who don't feel romantic attraction, not to men or women, not to anyone. It's called aro-aromantic? I think? And I just thought…I thought maybe it would be something you wanted to look into”

Regina's voice trailed off as she stretched her hands out wide to show Emma that she had only her best intentions at heart. But the move wasn't necessary, as Emma was staring at her with shining eyes and a flushed face, a tear already threatening to roll down it. “You did that…for me?” She whispered.

Regina looked at her, confused “of course I did? You wanted help and I wanted to help you. Isn't that what friends are for?”

“Friends?” Emma questioned, a tremor in her voice as she looked up at Regina. Regina, who stuck by her after all she had offloaded, Regina, who pushed aside her own feelings to help her, Regina, who was the person Emma wanted most in the world, but never in the way that Regina would want her.

The brunette met her gaze, her eyes strong in their resolve as she took Emma's hand between her own firm, reassuring grip.  
“Friends” she nodded “you were right Emma, I was hoping for…something. But I did some thinking, I did a lot of it. And I realised that the way I care about you, the way I feel about you…to make it a romantic relationship, or a sexual relationship, or anything aside from exactly what it is right now…I don't need that, I don't even want that. I just want you Emma, exactly as you come, exactly how you want us to be. Can we do that?”

Emma nodded shakily, unwanted tears rolling down her cheeks as she realised what Regina was offering. Unconditional acceptance, a promise that she would be there for Emma, exactly as they were, no expectations, no hopes of something more.

Sometimes, she realised, just sometimes, things turn out even better than you can ever expect them to. Oh god did she hope that this would be one of those times.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the incredibly positive response to the first chapter, I really wasn't expecting that but your comments here and over on twitter were just the nicest things ever <3
> 
> I just want to add a quick disclaimer and say that everyone's experiences are different and I'm writing Emma based off of my own as someone's who's had these sort of conversations before, so I apologise if you feel I've represented something wrong, or I've placed aromantic asexuality in a bad light.
> 
> And...Regina's trying her best. She's not always going to get it right though, be patient with her in the following chapters :p
> 
> Shira xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorryyyyy about the gap between updates, I really have no excuse except...oops? But I'm back and I mean, it could have been worse, couldn't it? :p
> 
> Oh, and Mulan is here. Why? Because I said so.

*** three weeks later ***

  
Regina smiled to herself as she closed the door to the house and heard soft voices echoing down the hallway. Slipping off her heels, she sighed, the cold marble of the floor acting as a relief to the strain put on her feet after a long day at the town hall. Then, with a smile still in place she followed the voices until the reached the living room. The sight she was met with would have melted even the stoniest of hearts, something which hers no longer was.

Emma was stretched out on her stomach, chin propped up on her hands as she glared intensely at the game lighting up the TV screen, as if she was willing the cars to move faster using her mind alone. Which, well, that's exactly what she was doing.  
Henry was sitting next to her, legs crossed with a bowl of popcorn balanced on his knee as he cheered her on.

Regina laughed softly as she surveyed the scene in front of her, remembering a heated debate they'd had at dinner a week previously.

_“I can too control video games with my magic!” Emma insisted wildly “if Regina can light actual fires in her hand why can't I do that?!”_   
_Henry laughed so hard he choked on a piece of chicken and had to have Regina bang him vigorously on the back._   
_“It's completely different!” He got out between coughs “mom, tell her!”_   
_Regina grinned wickedly at her son “he's right, Emma, you're just going to have to lose this one”_   
_“No!” Emma looked indignant “I’ll do it! And then you'll all be sorry you ever doubted me!”_   
_Regina nodded consolingly, struggling to hide her smirk “I'm sure you'll prove us all wrong” and then after a pause she added “just like you did with your lie detector superpower”_   
_“Hey!” Emma glowered and stuck her tongue out “you'll see, you alllll see!”_

So now, six days and $20 worth of bets later, Emma was lying across the floor trying her best to prove Henry wrong. So far, it wasn't really working.

“No work, Emma?” Regina asked, crossing the room to bend down and steal a piece of Henry’s popcorn.  
“Regina!” Emma jumped in surprise, before rolling onto her back and extending an arm, asking to be pulled up from the floor “Hey! Is it 5:30 already? And um, yeah, I switched to night shifts this week, I don't know, dad said something about wanting to spend more nights at home with mom, I didn't really ask him to go into more detail than that” she shuddered in mock horror.  
“Oh, the thought” Regina grimaced “does that mean you won't be joining us for dinner?”  
Henry looked up from the floor, disappointment clear in his eyes.  
“But it's family night Emma! C’mon! You can be a little late can't you?!”

Emma hesitated, torn between wanting to do the right thing, and spending time with her family. _Family_. Her heart grew warm at the thought of what she had, of what they had so easily and effortlessly become. Since her talk with Regina a new understanding had developed between them, one where Regina accepted that Emma wanted nothing more than what they already had, and she herself realised that she needed nothing more than what she had already been gifted with.

Their friendship had transformed from something light and easy and somewhat surface deep to a new level of understanding and closeness, almost overnight.  
When before Emma would hesitate before telling Regina what was really on her mind she would now keep Regina up until all hours of the night discussing every little thing that was bothering her, and Regina couldn't get enough of it. This was what she had always wanted and never known she had needed.

Everybody always went on about “finding your happy ending” and “you'll find happiness with a man (and or woman, inserted Zelena) soon enough”  
It had been drilled into her so much that she needed a romantic, honest to goodness, 1950s housewife style relationship to be truly happy, it hasn't even occurred to her to think that what she had with Emma, what they had together and with their son, was just enough.

Who needed romantic candlelight dinners when you came home at the end of the day to Emma flipping burgers in the kitchen and Henry deep frying everything he could get his hands on because of course Emma had decided she needed a deep fryer in her perfect, organic, natural foods only, state of the art kitchen.

Who needed slightly uncomfortable kisses on the couch at the end of the night when you had Emma Swan burrowing into your side with a blanket and a bad movie, where she would always, without fail, fall asleep twenty minutes in, only to insist to Regina that she had been “watching with my eyes shut!”

Any romantic feelings she had felt towards the blonde were gone, making her wonder if they had ever really been there to begin with. Emma had explained the thin lines between platonic and romantic, and how everyone always seemed to get them mixed up. She wondered if that's just what she had been doing.

She wouldn't deny that Emma was attractive. You'd have to be mad not to see that. The appeal of those toned arms and flat stomach, accentuated by the tight shirts she wore were not lost on her. But aesthetic appeal and sexual appeal are different things, as Emma had once again explained, and Regina was learning to see the difference for herself.

And as for Emma, she seemed happier than she had been in months, maybe even years. She laughed easily now, her eyes lighting up at even the stupidest joke, of which she had many. Gone was the tense snapping, the empty look in her eyes and the forced laughter which had accompanied every interaction. In her place was the woman who has come to Storybrooke all those years ago, albeit with more laughter and more love.

Regina smiled winningly as she caugh the blonde's eye. Emma winked and came to a snap decision.  
“Ok fiiiine” she sighed dramatically “I’ll stay for dinner”  
“Oh how hard that decision must have been for you” Regina laughed easily, walking through to the kitchen to start preparing the food.  
“Well yeah, actually! Now I need to call Mulan and tell her to cover for me for an hour and she'll go on for aaages about the correct protocol, like I'm not the one in charge of her!” She pouted, sticking her lower lip out in an attempt to look contrite, but Regina merely threw a cucumber at her and said “here, cut that up”.

Emma obliged wordlessly. You don't mess with Regina’s cooking if you want to live to see another day.

\---------- ---------- ---------- 

“So mom” Henry started as they sat down at the table “how was your day?”  
“Hmm?” Emma paused, serving spoon halfway between her plate and the bowl in the middle “fine, why?”  
“Just wondering”  
“Okaaay?” Emma shrugged, looking over to Regina, but she looked just as oblivious as Emma felt.

“I just noticed that you've been spending way more time here recently and I just, y’no…” Henry trailed off.  
_Oh no. Please no_. Emma shivered, realising where her son, her beautiful, smart and yet so incredibly blunt son was headed.

“No, I don't know, know what?” She asked carefully.  
She caught Regina's eye across the table as Henry chewed his food before continuing. Regina looked aghast, having come to the same conclusion as the blonde. Henry had noticed something had changed between them and wanted to ask Emma if they were dating.

Emma had thought long and hard before deciding not to talk to their son about her changing friendship with Regina, not thinking he was old enough to understand what she was going to try and explain. Regina, after arguing for a while, had agreed.  
And beyond that, Emma wasn't ready to explain it to him, because as much as she loved her son, he didn't have the right to know everything about her life, especially not the most deeply private parts of it.  
And yet now here they were, about to unveil it all over salmon and potatoes.

“I mean, are you and mom…?” He continued  
“No.” Regina chipped in firmly from across the table.  
“Ok but like…really?!” Henry grinned “I won't tell anyone I swear! It's just, I've been waiting for ages and I thought you would never get on with it, and then Hook left, so I thought-”

“HENRY!”

He stopped dead, the stream of words drying up faster than he would have thought possible.  
Emma was standing, her plate of food pushed away by the force of her chair jolting against the table leg.  
She was pale and yet flushed at the same time, her hands gripping the table as she worked to get her anger and shock under control.

“I need to…I need to go” she choked out.

The door slammed behind her as she left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes Henry, yikes 
> 
>  
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment, I love reading them! And you can find me on twitter at @youmemills if you want to come say hi.
> 
> Byeeee!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slightly shorter chapter than I usually like to upload but it was a harder one to write, so... hope this is ok anyway!

Emma kicked open the door to the station and slammed her keys down on the side. Mulan, who had been buried deep in paperwork, looked up in confusion.  
“Emma?” She asked “thought you were coming in later?”  
“Change of plans” the blonde said shortly, turning her attention to the pile of paper on her desk.  
“Okaaay?” Mulan muttered, knowing better than to try and hold a conversation with the sheriff when she was in this sort of mood.  
She made a hasty exit. Emma glowered at the door.

But even paperwork, as dull and as boring as it was, couldn't distract Emma from the gnawing pain in her heart and the echoes of earlier playing over and over again in her head.

Henry had looked so hopeful, and so excited and what she done? She had shattered that all, because she couldn't ever be fucking _normal_. Couldn’t even be enough for her own son.

As the evening grew darker and the station grew colder, Emma went from frustrated, with herself and with Henry, to angry with herself.

_Henry deserves better. Regina deserves better. Even Hook deserved better than me. All my parents want is to see me happy, to see me in a relationship with someone but I can't even do that. I'm so fucking useless I can't even love someone like a normal person, I –_

“Penny for your thoughts, Sherriff?” A voice broke through her ever spiralling thoughts, dragging her away from a path she didn't want to be going down.

Regina.

“Not worth the money” Emma shrugged weakly, not bothering to hide the redness in her eyes and crumpled tissues next to her.

“Now, I know that's not true” she said softly, pulling a chair across the room to sit next to Emma. “I brought you leftovers?”  
“Not hungry” Emma shrugged, even as her stomach growled.   
Regina smirked and slid the container across the desk “tell that to your stomach.”  
Emma tried to glower, she really did, but a weak smile plucked at the edges of her lips, betraying her.  
“Ok so maybe a little hungry…”

They sat in silence for a while, Regina content to let Emma set the pace, she knew how the blonde worked. She would talk when she was ready, but if pushed even a moment before that, she would shut down and refuse to talk to anyone at all. This, Regina had learnt from experience.

“How's Henry?” Emma asked eventually, pushing the food aside.  
Regina shrugged “He feels bad. He didn't mean to upset you. But he also doesn't understand, not really.”  
“Do you…did you explain it, us, _whatever_ , to him?”  
Regina shook her head, no.  
“I think it should come from you, or from both of us. But he's a fourteen year old boy, lines get blurred, if they even exist at all. He needs to learn how to be less blunt”  
“Yeah, well, he's my son, I shouldn't expect anything less.” Emma smirked, colour returning slowly to her tired face.  
“Mmm” Regina laughed “you made your bed, now you lie in it.”

Emma grinned halfheartedly but didn't say anything.

Regina waited some more.  
\---------- ---------- ----------  
“I'm sorry”

Regina looked up in confusion “for…what?”

“For being, I dunno, me?” Emma was picking nervously at her nails, scratching the skin around them to a raw red, oblivious as to what she was doing.  
“Don't be ridiculous, Emma”  
“I'm not.”

Regina looked at her in confusion “I don't…why are you apologising, you did nothing wrong, Emma!”

Emma was flushed, tears of frustration (at herself? At everyone?) pooling in her eyes.  
“But I did!” She insisted “you deserve better than me, than _this_ , Regina! I can't even love you like a normal person can, I won't ever be able to give you what you want most. Because that's the point isn't it?! All you've ever wanted was to be happy, to be in love, to have what you deserve, and you deserve the whole damn _world_ , Regina, but I can't- I can't ever give it to you.”

Her voice cracked but she continued, furiously wiping tears off her face.  
  
“What Henry thought… that was normal, that makes sense. What doesn't make sense is who I am. I'm…wrong. You should have a family, a normal, real family. Not some glorified… _roommate_!” She paused for a moment, chest burning with choked in sobs, before adding “maybe Hook was right.”

Regina’s head snapped up, eyes flashing with anger “No!”  
“He was Regina, he was” Emma replied weakly.

  
“Emma, listen to yourself! Where is this coming from? Is this really what you think, even after everything I've told you…everything we talked about?”

Emma shrugged.  
Regina's eyes hardened.

“You know, Emma” she began, her voice dangerously soft.

“I thought you were different to everyone else. But maybe I was wrong. You see, all my life I had people make my decisions for me. What to wear, how to style my hair, even who I was allowed to fall in love with. I thought my curse had ended all of that. But even after it broke, even then, people still had opinions on what was and wasn't acceptable. A single mother? Shocking. Give her a boyfriend or a husband and maybe a pet dog, allergies be damned. And nobody cared that this wasn't what I wanted, so I realised it was just easier to make it what I wanted.

And then you come along and tell me all these things, that you don't want romance, you couldn't care less about sex, you just want me. No expectations, no end goal of making me your trophy wife or better mother for our son. You just wanted me. And I realised that I don't want anything more than what we are, yes, exactly as we are. But you still think…you still think I'm holding out for more?”

Emma stared at her, shock colouring her cheekbones and widening her eyes.   
“I'm sorry” she whispered “I just…I didn't realise”

Regina’s expression softened “No, it's ok. Don't apologise. I don’t mean to make you feel like you don't understand me, or that my problems are the same as yours. But I know what it's like, Emma. Always thinking that people want more of you, that you can't ever stop and have what you really want. Just…maybe next time when you think that I still want more of you, maybe just ask me?”

Emma nodded, heart rate slowly returning to normal as she realised that Regina wasn't going to storm out in anger. Instead the brunette was looking at her, a soft smile in place telling Emma that she understood, she wasn't angry, and they were ok.

Emma grinned back and wiped her face on the sleeve of her shirt.

“That's disgusting” Regina sniffed, unimpressed.  
“Well I can wipe it on yours if you prefer?”   
“Peasant.”  
“Yup”

Regina rolled her eyes even as a smile played on the edge of her mouth “well, if we’re done here, phone Mulan and tell her to come in for the rest of the evening”  
“Where we going?” _Ooooh Mulan was going to kill her._  
Regina tilted her head in confusion “home?”

And as Emma slipped her arms into the sleeves of her leather jacket, she realised that yeah, she liked the sound of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always welcome, here or over on twitter where I'm @findmethestars!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok well... this is it. I finally got my act together and finished off the story. Life got really crazy over the past month and Swanqueen kinda got pushed to the side but I'm back, and I realised I needed to finish writing this.  
> So... enjoy!

Silence. Complete, utter silence. Nothing but the sound of a clock ticking its soft ascent to 9am gave indication that the darkened room had any signs of life at all.  
But there, curled up in bed, arms wrapped securely around a petite brunette, lay Emma Swan, sleeping peacefully with not a care in the world. Her face was smooth, unmarked by stress, as it had been for months now.

Regina stretched languidly, rolling out of Emma’s arms as she checked the time. Whilst she never usually slept past 7am, Saturday morning was her one exception. It was also the one time a week where she found herself wrapped up in bed with a certain blonde, blissful and content to sleep the day away.

Emma slept in her own bed most nights, just down the hallway in the large house, explaining to Regina that she needed her boundaries, needed the space and a clear do not cross line in their relationship or…whatever this was. They still hadn't found the right term to sum it up. But that didn't matter, Emma had explained one night, as they were curled up on the couch.

“ _Who needs labels?” She had asked as she scrolled lazily down her Facebook feed “labels are for everyone else. Hell, you're a former evil queen who adopted my son and I'm an ex delinquent who's parents are Disney characters, and I once killed a dragon you had an affair with. I'm pretty sure we go above and beyond labelling”_

And Regina had had to agree. They were just them. Emma and Regina, the saviour and the evil queen, mom one and mom two, the sheriff and the mayor. They didn't need to define themselves for anyone else but each other.

Emma opened her eyes slowly, allowing herself time to adjust to the sunlight streaming in through the window.  
“Good morning” a voice floated over from the corner of the room, where Regina was putting on makeup.

“Ughhh” Emma groaned, burying her face in a pillow “issobright”  
“Well that's what happens when you wake up at midday” Regina smirked.  
“That's not fairrrr, I had the night shift all week!” She whined, sitting up in bed and throwing off her blanket, indignation overcoming her desire to turn around and sleep for a few more hours, exactly as Regina knew it would.

“Mean.” Emma muttered when she realised what the brunette had done. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and stood up, stretching until she heard a row of clicks down her back.

“Get on with it Emma, so we can leave for brunch. Henry went ahead, said something about wanting to show Zelena a new game he has? I didn't want to know any more details than that.”

Emma laughed. Over the last few months her son had struck up an unlikely friendship with his aunt, taking it upon himself to teach her how to use technology when she offhandedly mentioned one day that she didn't even have an email address.

“So Zelena’s cooking this time?” She called over her shoulder as she brushed her teeth “should I be worried?!”

“Yes, and yes. But nothing she can make will ever be worse than the time she made spinach patties and used baking soda instead of salt, remember?”

Emma laughed, choking on toothpaste as she remembered the last time Zelena had tried to cook for them. It had ended in friendly arguing, laughter, and a desperate call to Granny’s.

“Well in that case, maybe I should just go back to bed” she grinned.  
Regina threw a shoe at her.  
Emma got ready to leave.

\---------- ---------- ----------

“Regina, Emma, come in _darlings_ ” Zelena air kissed them both dramatically, clutching her hand to her heart when Emma pushed her away good naturedly “your offspring is hogging my TV, please come and retrieve him”

“Henry!” Regina called, trying to make herself heard over the sound of gunfire and screaming coming from the living room.  
“One minute mom! I've almost finished the level!”   
Regina rolled her eyes and turned to Emma “would you..?”  
“Already on it” Emma smirked, heading towards her son to grapple the remote from his hand.

\---------- ---------- ----------

Regina followed her sister into the kitchen where she was handed a knife and a pile of vegetables.  
“Make yourself useful, darling” Zelena called as she moved over to the stove.  
“I’m not entirely sure I wouldn't be more useful if I removed those poor eggs from your watch before they overboil completely” Regina snarked.  
“That was _one_ time!”   
“And what about the time your pancakes were so sticky that when you tossed them they stuck to the ceiling?”  
“A simple mistake to make!”  
“Or the time your full English breakfast gave Emma food poisoning for a week?”  
“Revenge for the onion rings.” Zelena sniffed.  
Regina rolled her eyes.  
\---------- ---------- ----------   
“I'm happy for you, you know” Zelena commented offhandedly, once brunch was over and Regin was drying dishes.  
“About what?”   
“About Emma.”  
Regina glanced up, taking in the way her sister’s blue eyes were locked on her and the way she was smiling reassuringly at her.

“Oh! I, um, thank you. But we're not, you know, _together_ together. Not like that.”  
“I know.” Zelena nodded reassuringly “Emma explained it to me, and I'm still happy for you.”  
“Really?” Regina searched her eyes “and you don't think it's…I don't know, weird?”  
“Would it make a difference if I did?”  
“No.” She crossed her arms defensively.  
“Well, exactly then. And anyway, I don't. You’re Regina Mills, for god’s sake. When have you ever done something in a traditional way?!”

Regina nodded thoughtfully, Zelena had a point.

Just as she opened her mouth to reply, a whirlwind of blonde hair spun into the kitchen, cheeks flushed from chasing Robyn round the garden for twenty minutes.  
“Zelena! Save me from your child, please!” She begged as she caught her breath.  
The redhead smirked wickedly “Nope. That's what you get for deciding you simply _must_ spend the rest of your life with my sister and making me have to tolerate you.”

“Spend the rest of my…what-?!” Emma gaped.  
“Well you are going to, aren't you?” She asked coolly, blue eyes pinning green.  
“I... well, _yes_ , but , I...still!” Emma stuttered out.

Regina looked on, mouth slightly open as she watched the exchange. Was this Zelena’s version of a dad speech, in a “ _cool older sister makes non romantic soulmate promise to faithfully love her younger sister, in their non romantic, unlabelled relationship”_ , way?

“Well then,” Zelena deadpanned “I don't see the problem here then”  
Emma’s mouth remained open.  
“Close your mouth dear, we don't want you catching any flies” Zelena turned back to the sink.

Emma caught Regina's eye as the brunette tried to stifle a smirk. She glared warningly at her, but to no avail.  
A laugh turned into a muffled cough from Regina as Emma’s glare only hardened.  
But eventually, the blonde had to crack as she realised the absurdity of the situation. Pulling Regina out of the kitchen by the arm, she moved them into the hallway.

“Did your sister just-” she hissed “did she just _threaten_ me?!”  
“Mmmm. I think she did” Regina nodded seriously, trying and barely succeeding to keep a straight face.  
“What the-! Did you put her up to this?!”  
Regina shook her head, no.   
Emma ran her hand though her hair, yanking on wild curles as her breath sped up. She opened her mouth and shut it again as words failed her.

“Emma?” Regina looked at her closely, realising that the blonde wasn't finding the situation as funny as she was “what's wrong?”

“Well! I,I, thought I had explained it, us, this, to her and I thought she understood but-!”  
“She does Emma, she does” Regina rubbed her arm reassuringly.

  
Whilst Emma was more at ease with who she was than she had ever thought she would be just a few months ago, she still got deeply uncomfortable when others made assumptions about who she was and what she liked.

_“It just…I don't know, it makes my skin crawl” she had explained to Regina one time “all these people, up in my business like they know me, and even if they do know me, it's still not their business!”_

_Regina had understood of course, she was all too familiar with people trying to get involved in her private and personal affairs, and although the circumstances would always be different, she understood Emma, and Emma understood her._

She rubbed Emma's back softly, and pulled her into a hug. “Emma” she began “Zelena is…well, she's Zelena. She says things other people wouldn't say, and I know she can be brash and rude but…she’s my sister. And she cares about me. And she just wants you to know that she does. And this…whatever that weird display of _you_   _hurt her, I’ll hurt you_ was, it was her way of saying she’s ok with this and she supports us. No matter how unconventional we seem. She's the Wicked Witch of the West for heaven's sake, do you really think she cares about us when it comes to romance, or sex, or…anything your simpering mother cares about?!”

Emma gave a watery laugh and wiped her eyes on her sleeve “I guess not”  
“Exactly” Regina stepped back and looked Emma in the eyes.

  
“So? Do you?” She asked.  
“Do I what?” Emma glanced at her, confused.  
“Do you intend to stick around like an unfortunate fungus, for the foreseeable future?”

Emma smirked and pushed her hair out of her eyes. “Why, yes, yes I do. A really tough fungus, the sort that you can't get rid of and eventually you just burn everything down in despair to try get rid of it, but it just keeps clinging on. I hope you're ready for that.”

Regina laughed, heart warming as she took in the blonde in front of her, from her eager smile, so quick to appear nowadays, to the way she stood, totally at ease with herself. “I don't know if I should be amused or afraid, Emma. Now come, our son is waiting, and personally, I want to go home and make some _edible_ food.”

Emma grabbed her hand, linking their fingers together easily as they walked back into the room where their family waited.   
Family. Home. Saturday afternoons. The more she thought about, the more she realised that this was a life she could see herself living for a long, long time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whelp...that's the end of this one, I hope you enjoyed it, unconventional as it was. Emma Swan will always be an aromantic asexual to me, and I hope that I managed to get her across as that in the way I wanted to!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who put up with my promising to upload and then not doing it, and particularly to Anna who made to sure to harass me into writing every so often, it would probably have stayed on 3/5 until the end of time if not for her, so thankssss.
> 
> Feel free to leave me your thoughts in the comments, or hmu on twitter, @findmethestars  
> Until next time, Shira x


End file.
